Dating in today’s world is almost impossible, people aren’t honest with their intentions and it’s hard to put yourself out there and be vulnerable. We think that because we are honest, sincere, trustworthy and we have the best intention, automatically everyone we meet will also be like that. The dating pool has slapped the irony of that right into our faces.
Most systems have built-in red flags and warning signs. When a car is about to fail or the engine is overheating, it makes funny sounds and you can feel the car getting hotter and hotter- it gives you warning signs. When your body is deteriorating or your health isn’t where it should be your body gives you warning signs and when a woman is going into labor, her water breaks and she starts having contractions. Most if not everything has red flags, they have warning signs that tell you when something is off or when something is about to happen.
People also give you red flags, I think it’s easy to ignore them and give people the benefit of the doubt but in the end, it always ends up hurting us.
Have you ever been dating someone or even just casually met someone and something is just off? Like in your gut, you know something is just not right, they’re throwing around several red flags but you still shake the feeling off but in the end when everything unfolds you SEE how those red flags add together and come out. You think to yourself damn, I should’ve been smarter about that and I shouldn’t have ignored those flags.
Did you know that most relationships end because of those initially ignored red flags ? Maybe you thought he was a little too flirtatious and friendly but you brushed past those and disclaimed them as him just being “nice” and then 7 months or 3 years down the line you found out he had cheated several times behind your back.
Or maybe he had been in several long-term and serious relationships but never really proposed or married anyone, never bought any of them home to meet his family- he said “They just weren’t the one for me”.
That was a little suspicious to you but you somehow convinced yourself that you could be “the one” for him, after 8 years of being together and living together and having a great relationship, he still didn’t propose. Turned out he has commitment issues and never really planned on getting married or starting a family, you wasted 8 years of your life trying to be “the one” for someone who was never “the one” for you.
Do you see how these situations could have been avoided ?
But that’s okay, I’ve also ignored a lot of red flags in my past dating life and relationship, it’s okay to be good people and want to see the best in people.
But you have to sometimes learn that seeing the good in people doesn’t always serve you. You have to put your needs first. And that’s why it’s important to not only recognize these red flags but to also take actions against them.
The worst feeling is when you ignore a red flag and it ends up coming back to bite you in the end or is the reason why the relationship ends, it makes you feel 10 times worse. If I had just took a step back at the time and trusted my gut, I wouldn’t be feeling this way. No matter how strongly you feel about someone or how amazing the sex is if someone isn’t for you then they just aren’t and we’re really kind of pursuing inevitable pain.
As women, it’s important that we guard our hearts at all costs. We are sensitive creatures and that’s not a bad thing, we’ve been dreaming of having a husband and getting married our whole life. We’ve been taught to be wives, men aren’t really taught how to be husbands, they didn’t dream of getting married and walking down the aisle in a white tux.
One bad relationship can change your whole perspective of love and you don’t want that because when done right it’s the most beautiful and amazing feeling. Don’t let anyone ruin that for you.
That’s why I’m going to give you Loves 15 red flags you should NEVER ignore while dating or even at the beginning of a relationship. Enjoy :).
1.Too Nonchalant or “Carefree” About Everything.
This is so annoying, just go to therapy already, and don’t confuse this for someone who has a reserved and calm personality- two different things . A “nonchalant” person often in my experience is emotionally unavailable and emotionally unintelligent. Life is for living, you want someone who emotes, someone who feels, someone who is affected by things. Being nonchalant about everything isn’t cool and it’s not attractive either, humans are supposed to emote, it’s completely normal to be affected by things and people in your environment.
You might think that this person will be different towards you and maybe they will in the beginning but trust me, as soon as things get bad, or you have arguments and disagreements, they will have that same nonchalant and carefree attitude which will ruin things. Imagine crying to your man about how he affected you or made you feel with him blankly staring at you without a care in the world .
See what I mean?
Also, how is their attitude towards their family and friends? Do they still act this way? What will happen when you have fights and disagreement, will they care enough to reconcile? How can you even be in a relationship if you refuse to care, relationships are entirely about emotions and being vulnerable.
The point of the matter is ladies, you deserve someone who cares and is ready to be 100% vulnerable and loves you with every emotion. This is a definite NO.
2. Doesn’t Take Accountability For Anything
Did somebody say narcissistic? Accountability is a very important key in a healthy relationship, some other attributes of a healthy relationship are explained in a related post here. Saying “I was wrong” or “I’m sorry” can make or break a relationship.
Taking accountability for your actions instead of gaslighting, redirecting or dismissing is a mature and admirable trait in someone. We are human beings, all imperfect and we make mistakes- that’s normal. But we have to take accountability for our mistakes and start making reparations. In a relationship, it’s not about you anymore, you have to consider your partner’s feelings and how they are going to be affected by things that you do.
If they fail to do this then this is not only a red flag but also toxic. And its the simple things too, like not texting or calling you back, missing a date or being late, not doing something they said they would do- if they can not admit this, apologize, and give an adequate explanation then maybe you need to take a step back.
Related post: 10 Signs Your Relationship Might Be Toxic.
3. Describes His Ex As Crazy .
If you ignore everything else, please listen to me on this one. People that call or refer to people as “crazy” are usually big gaslighters and are crazy themselves, men literally make women crazy then gaslight them. I mean look how at Joe from the series You described Candice as “crazy” while walking around all day, stalking and killing random people.
Men are often manipulators, they like to set us against each other as a deflection because they are the real problem. If when you ask them to describe what went wrong in their previous relationship, they pin everything on their ex or even go as far as disrespecting them, run sis !
You mean to tell me you did absolutely NOTHING wrong in your previous relationship and you have the nerve to disrespect someone who you were actually intimate with? Ask yourself how they will speak about you if you break up, will you be another crazy one too? It also shows a lack of accountability and the ability to have an amicable disagreement with someone without being rude or disrespectful.
4. Constantly Talk About Themselves.
Blah blah blah. Dating is about 2 individuals coming together and finding out if they are compatible enough to get into a relationship. If you are on a date and the person across the table won’t stop talking about them- how their day went, their career, their experiences, their family and friends, their car, their exes, them them them!
If they manage to turn every conversation or situation about themselves and satisfying their needs, this is another major dating red flag and you might be dealing with a narcissist. That is something you definitely don’t want on your hands, you’ll never get a chance to get anything in about yourself or your needs- don’t even waste your time.
The best way to handle someone like this is to just say you’re going to the ladies room, take your bag, and bolt. Or, you could try my all-time favorite and just yawn, while they are blabbing, look to the side and make an audible yawn and then plan your exit. You don’t even need to explain yourself, just leave, girl.
5. Doesn’t Pick Up The Cheque or “Forgets Their Wallet”.
This is now controversal, alot of people argue that things and times are changing, roles are changing and females are now paying on first dates. Let me tell y’all something, no, just NO. Chivalry and courtesy will never not be in style or become outdated.
If someone asks you on a date ladies, you have to be mentally and emotionally prepared, you pick your best outfits, you do your makeup and get your hair done nicely, your presence and conversation in itself is amazing. The least a man can do for you is to pick up the cheque and pay to feed you both, period.
When the cheque arrives and if he seems in any way hesitant, sit there, play in your hair and look cute, look at him then look at the check, that’ll give the hint. If he tries to pull the “Oh, I forgot my wallet” card, you can choose to pay and never see that person again.
I’m sorry but I just can not believe people accidentally leave their wallets. Maybe occasionally, but when you’re going on a date, that’s the first thing that you’re supposed to have in mind. If the date has been going nicely and you think you can make a good judge of character and accept that this person actually forgot their wallet then maybe, maybe you can see past it.
Given that they apologized and offered to compensate you another time, but otherwise it’s a red flag for me. It’s a signs that you’re irresponsible and will disappoint me again sometime later, like I haven’t been disappointed by men enough already, no thanks. Let me know in the comments what you guys think.
6. Is Rude or Disrespectful to Others While On Your Date.
I think most women want someone who is polite and just a good person overall. A man that is rude, disrespectful or just make other’s job harder is definitely not polite or nice, that’s a big big red flag that you shouldn’t ignore.
This person could be someone who opens the door for you, the hosts, the severs or even other guests. As someone who has actually worked as a server in several restaurants, I have to say that restaurant workers deserve the utmost respect. There’s a lot that goes on behind the scenes to make sure that you guys have the very best time, we work long hours, we’re usually juggling 5-10 things at the same time and not to mention overworked and extremely underpaid.
The least you can do is be nice, if your date is unnecessarily mean or disrespectful to anyone while on your date or even gets violent or rowdy, just take your leave. Don’t let this man waste any more of your time. If he also doesn’t tip and the service was great, that can also be looked at as a red flag, it shows that he is stingy with no sense of appreciation. What I normally do is, if the bill is large, I offer to tip the server- you can do this as well.
7. Has Never Been In love or In A Serious Relationship.
Listen ladies, you are a miracle but you are no miracle worker, only Jesus can do this. This is a big risk because how do you know this person is even capable of being in a relationship, how do you know they are capable of giving and receiving love ?
This becomes more of a red flag depending on the age of this person also. If you are 30 and up, come on, there has to be someone you have loved or have been in a serious relationship with. You have to be very particular and skeptical about who you decide to get in a relationship and be vulnerable with.
Think of buying a car, would you buy a car without test driving it? Without making sure that every part works to the best of their ability and it is completely capable of performing its task ? No, it’s the same with a man, you would not be in a relationship with someone who has no knowledge of being in a relationship. I have heard of situations where it was just the right person and that person was able to still function well in a relationship even get married without ever being in a relationship before.
But, you have to learn how to do risk management and compatibility testing for every one you go on a date with, guard your heart- it’s your best asset.
Related post: How To Know If You And Your Partner Are Truly Compatible.
8. Constantly Wants To Make Decisions For You or on Your Behalf.
Er- this is cute until it’s not. This can be looked at in two different ways. Some women find this attractive because they think it’s assertive and they like the idea of a man “taking the lead”. But it can also be seen as controlling and manipulative, it usually starts off with simple and innocent things.
Like taking your order for you, telling you exactly what you should wear and how you should do your makeup, it can then lead to more serious things like telling where you shouldn’t go, who you shouldn’t see or talk to and how you should spend your hard-earned money.
This is where it becomes toxic and very much of a big red flag. This person might also be very territorial and financially more well off than your average working class. This is how most abusive relationships tend to begin and once it gets to this point, it becomes even harder to cut ties with this person. That’s why we are talking about these red flags so we can prevent these things.
If the first date is going well and you both discuss your orders and he takes the lead to and order for you both, that’s okay. Nothing to be alarmed about as yet. However, if you continue dating this person and he continues to take your order even without discussing it with you first, if he tries to control you in any of the ways I talked about earlier on. Don’t second guess yourself, cut off communication with this person immediately after letting them know that you are no longer interested.
Also, again if you are a good judge of character and you feel that this person isn’t genuinely trying to control you and has your best interest at heart you can communicate and say how you feel by simply saying:
“ I feel a very uncomfortable with you always trying to make decisions for me, I appreciate the gesture but I’m very capable of making my own decisions and I would like for you to respect that”
If in any way, you think this wasn’t receptive or if they retaliated in any wrong way, do not waste any more time on this person.
9. Speaks Ill About His Family and Friends.
I believe that respect is a very attractive trait in someone and regardless of what the situation is, I don’t think being disrespectful or speaking ill or your family member or friends is the best thing to do. I know what it’s like to be at odds with families and friends but I still don’t believe in being disrespectful. You have to think how they will speak about you when you have a dispute or even if you don’t work out. You can be at odds with someone and still speak well about them or neutrally.
10. Quick To Anger.
Now, I had to learn this the hard way but y’all don’t have to- a man that is quick to anger is a man that you should run as far way from and as quickly as possible. It could be things like manhandling you after a disagreement, shouting, angrily pointing or slamming things down. A man who is easily angered will NEVER be the right man for you.
This can easily become abusive, you want to stay clear of men like these. Also if he is excessively impatient or demanding towards you in any way, especially sexually, definitely end things.
11. Too Handsy Or Touchy.
Don’t you just hate when men are too handy or too touchy on the first date ? Like I literally just met you. It can also be subtle like constantly learning across the table to touch your arms, touching your thighs, waist, just everywhere.
That can be a red flag on the first date. If you are okay with this, if you are really feeling this guy and have made some type of verbal or nonverbal permission then that’s perfectly okay. But, if this makes you feel way too uncomfortable then its also very much okay to not want to see this person again. It shows no respect for personal space, lack of respect for boundaries it makes them seem to only be interested in getting in bed with you and not actually getting to know you.
12. Things Just Don’t Add Up or They Lie Unnecessarily.
See what men fail to understand is that women are just little detectives, we’re little Bob the builders with little helpers helping us put pieces together and at the end of the day, one plus one is going to equal to two. Every secret, every lie, honey, we’re going to find out.
Have you ever listened to someone say something and you remember something else they said or did and your detective radar starts going off, like hmm, something is just NOT adding up. On top of that, men are just so messy and lazy with their dirty laundry which makes it even easier for us to catch up to their lies.
No good relationship can be built on lies, distrust and inconsistency. If you manage to catch up on a lie don’t even confront them, just leave. Don’t waste your energy because a lot of men won’t even tell the truth after getting caught in a lie, that’s how brazen they are. Moreover, if they are lying to you this early on in the relationship then your entire relationship would have been about more lies and mistrust.
Another great related post: 12 Important Things You Need To Know Before Dating.
13. Your Intuition Is Off.
Another redflag while dating is your intuition being off because when has your intuition ever been wrong ? Women are gifted with the amazing tool of having an intuition. Have you ever had that gut feeling about someone and you pushed passed it and in the end you were right?
And you think to yourself that if you had just trusted your gut, then you wouldn’t have been in certain situations. We really don’t give our intuition the credit she really deserves, she really tries saving us from practically everything. My intuition has NEVER been wrong about anyone, I have so much trust in her that if I feel that someone is just a little off, I immediately fall back. Trust your intuition ladies, she’ll never fail you.
14. Inconsistency.
It’s the inconsistency for me. There’s absolutely no way someone could be interested in you and inconsistent at the same time- like lkiterally. Men are often personified as really complex creatures but a lot of the time, they’re really simple.
If he likes you, he will communicate and do all the things he knows he needs to do but if he doesn’t or if he has mixed feelings, he’ll slack off, he’ll start being inconsistent and ultimately stop communicating with you. A man that doesn’t want you is even busier than the president- and he’ll be so convincing.
It’s no rocket science or brain teaser, how he treats you is how he feels about you. And maybe you’re thinking he might be playing games, we’re too grown for games. You deserve someone who is so crazy about you that they’ll find every opportunity to text you or call you, the thought of you second-guessing them should irk their soul.
Consistency is how they should keep you and not just their initial actions or words. If a man is inconsistent then he’s either not interested anymore, found a new interest or maybe going through some things. Whichever it is, don’t wait around to find out.
15. Lack of Communication.
I often listen to podcasts and love stories and one of the things couple’s always meet about is communication and how well it has helped them in their relationship. I think that grown folks should just learn how to communicate effectively, save everyone’s time. If while dating you realize that someone is not very good at communicating, maybe that’s not a red flag for you, you might think that with time it might get better and you’re willing to take that chance.
Because not everyone will come ready-made with no issues and it’s okay if you want to take a chance on someone. But in my experience, It never gets better and I’m not willing to risk my time and emotions on a “maybe”.
Especially if you’ve been badly hurt in the past, you have to be very careful when maneuvering the dating pool and who you choose to get in a relationship with, especially someone being someone who is an overthinke
I remember dating this guy once, communication was an issue from the start, he failed to communicate simple things and it was annoying. It would always lead to even more of an issue and when I brought it up, he would gaslight me and guilt trip me by explaining and I was like “You could’ve literally just told me that”.
And it was just a very exhausting process that kept repeating over and over again. I say this to say, lack of communication can really mess up something good and you don’t have to spend time teaching a grown man basic communication skills, you are not his mom.
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